PARADISE!

I have arrived to what I can only describe as a place so beautiful that you will wonder if it is fake, St. Regis Bora Bora, Tahiti.  I have never seen water so clear and felt weather so perfect.  When I close my eyes and think of an island paradise, this is exactly what I picture to a T.  I was filled with so much excitement as we landed in Bora Bora as this is what I had in mind when Bora Bora went on my bucket list a few years ago.  

Even though paradise may make you want to chill and relax, this environment always requires a little effort on my part to actually slow down.  I started my time in Bora Bora with a swim right outside our back door.  Most bungaloos are overwater so we can treat ourselves to watching the fish swim under our feet in the living room and bathroom.  AMAZING!  But even better, I have a great swim right out our door in the crystal clear water.  I have also made use of the water activities by paddle boarding (with some yoga on it as well) and riding while Garnett steered the hobie sailboat.  I ended my first day in paradise by watching the sunset over Mt. Otemanu.  This was just the day I arrived!

My first full day, I started by rising early to catch the sunrise over the ocean.  I went on a great run on the island and snorkeled for 2 hours.  I have become a big fan of snorkeling over the years.  I got to see some of the most beautiful fish.  I felt like I was swimming with Nemo and his friends.  Then I took the boat over to the main island to see the shops and little of how the Tahitian people live.  The people of Bora Bora truly live the island life.  I can only compare it to what I saw in Fiji in 2010 when I visited a local Fijian community. The Fijian community did not have much and did not live very well.  They were a happy people but you could tell that the money the tourists were spending in that country was not being properly handed down to the employees in the tourism industry and that who is made up most of this specific Fijian Island.  Thus, it was a relief to see that the people of Bora Bora do live a rather modern island life with all the modern day conveniences.  I loved seeing the fresh mangos, pineapples, and tomatos sitting outside of people's home on a table with an honor code, pay as you take one, system as I have seen in New Zealand.  I love that idea and think it is so welcoming!

I have enjoyed my time talking to the Tahitian people and find them very intelligent.  They learn almost four languages as they grow up:  French, English, Tahitian, and the language of whichever island they live on.  As they are a french colony, French is expected.  Also, since tourism is so big, English is a must.  And they do their job to make sure their native tongue is spoken and preserved.  I have also seen a lot of similarities between the Tahitians and Maori culture of New Zealand, the island people who were the original inhabitants of NZ.  I have noticed some culture traditions to be similar such as the specific dress attire of the rituals and symbols.  Also, some Tahitian words are similar to the Maori language, such as "hello."  I will have to research this more but it is neat to see how throughout the pacific island culture you can notice similarities that evolved as people migrated many years ago.  

As you can see, I have had a tough time pressing the "stop" button in paradise.  You can't change who you are even when you are in paradise....good to know.  Luckily, my husband is here to help with that and reminds me to chill out and enjoy.  So this morning, I started at a slower pace with some  yoga on my deck and then a swim in which I saw an eagle ray (looks like a sting ray and I freaked out like I saw one too).  Thus, I continue my time in paradise.....at whatever pace that may be.      

Living Wednesday Twice Plus An Apology

Have you ever lived the same day twice?  I got as close as you could making the 2 day trip from Koh Samui to Tahiti.  As I closed out my detox in Koh Samui, on my exit consultation, I found out that there is a special and proper way to come off of a detox.  It was something that didn't cross my mind until that moment.  The naturopath told me that I needed to stick to raw foods, with no dairy or meat for the next 4 days post my detox.  How was I suppose to pull that off while on a plane for 2 days with long flights and layovers?  I didn't want my hard work and this wonderful clean feeling to go to waste so I somehow managed to comply although it took some finesse on my part.  Luckily, we had a 9 hour lay over in Singapore which let me stock up on nuts and fruit for my next few flights.  

After living in New Zealand for 3 years and having long layovers in LA and San Francisco, I have learned the art of maximizing your time outside the airport during layovers.  I had some help planning out my 9 hour plan by randomly running into the same person twice on my travels.  Her name is Jeanne and she is the owner of the yoga studio in Singapore that I did Earth Yoga with at the beginning of my trip.  I ran into her again as she is a silent owner of the Yoga/Detox retreat center, Absolute Sanctuary, in Koh Samui, and happened to be there helping out with a teacher training while I was there detoxing.  Once more on my travels I am shown just how small a world this can be.  I am also learning how when you run into someone twice while traveling abroad, in 2 different countries, it may happen for a reason.  In Jeanne's case it was for great conversation about yoga and owning a studio and retreat center.  She was also a wealth of knowledge in getting us to a yoga class, grocery store, and to a salad place during our layover in Singapore.  I also must say that as I have these long lay overs the best cure for the time and my body/sanity is some form of exercise be it yoga or a run.  Yoga, preferably, as it does wonders for relaxation, breathe, and stretching the body after sitting for so long.  With Jeanne's help, I was a happy girl with my yoga practice complete and healthy, raw food setting me up for a great flight to Auckland.  

But before I leave Southeast Asia I realized I have some apologies to make.  I must apologize to the sewer companies in Cambodia and Thailand.  As their systems are not that sophisticated even for the simple act of peeing. I did not adopt the habit of tossing the toilet paper in the waste basket instead of flushing it and I just could not get myself to pick up the water hose next to the toilet to use post bathroom, either.  I am sorry for any troubles this may have caused your sewer system but my bathroom habits come from 32 years of experience and I just could not adapt.  And the times I remembered, it was too late and I ended up just wasting paper by balling it up and putting in the trashcan just so I could say "I did it."  That habit I could seem to pick up but the other.....sorry about that.  For this, my honest apologies, but to the bathroom gods....thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of blocking one of these "gentle" toilets while I was in there.  I was scared a time or 2 but you came through for me as you knew I honestly tried but could not seem to pick up these new bathroom habits.  I know I will face these "gentle" toilets again and I promise to make a better effort in the future.      

Now on to Thursday, I am once again in Auckland for a layover that was rather quick.  I took time on this stop to take in my last few moments on NZ soil.  I couldn't believe that it had been almost a month since I left.  Where did the time go?  I realized that it hasn't fully hit me yet that I will not be returning to New Zealand when this trip is over.  All the logistics point towards my move but for some reason out of habit of always returning after a trip over the last 3 years I can't grasp it.  I guess this habit will die hard as well with my Western bathroom

 while in Third World Countries. 

 Yet I can say almost a month later back in the Auckland something feels different.  Something even felt different when I was in Singapore since that was were this trip began.  I am reading the book Blink by Malcom Gladwell and he speaks about the concept of "thin slicing."  The thought of this is the fact that we can grasp a lot about someone or something by only a few moments of time although we may not be able to explain why or how something is. In the those few moments something inside of us tells us exactly what we need to know.  For me, I had 2 of those moments, once in Singapore and another on my flight to Tahiti when crossed the international date line officially drawing the momentum of the trip towards the northern hemisphere and US.  As with "thin slicing," I can't fully explain how I am feeling but something in me tells me that I am one step closer to the full realization of my move back to the US and that something is in fact different.  

I am not yet there though!  I have another bucket list item ahead....Bora Bora!  My second to last flight got me into Papeete late into the evening, on Wednesday, again, reaching the 36 hours of traveling mark.  After 3 days of detox, approaching 2 days post detox with nutrition intact, and 2 days of travel, my body was ready to sleep while actually laying down to get a full nights rest.  I got to bed exhausted but still am reminded of how blessed I am to be one step closer to my dream of visiting Bora Bora and how wonderful this journey has been....apologies and all.  As I lay in bed, I hear the clear water outside crashing on white sands and it is calling my name.  I can't answer yet.  One more flight in the morning to paradise.  Papeete to Bora Bora here I come!!!

   

My Mothership: Yoga And Detox

This trip has offered much variety from transition to service to exploration. Now I reach my Mothership of this trip, yoga and detoxing. This couldn't come at a better time post sickness. I have practiced yoga in each country I have visited but it was not with the same consistency that I have been used to. My body, breath, and mind were really beginning to notice. Not to mention all the cooked food I have had to have. My acupuncturist and Chinese medicine friend, Sally, would be proud of me because she says from a Chinese medicine point of view, my body needs more warm, cooked food. Although I do see the benefits, this chica has missed the raw, natural food.

This detox has been nervously anticipated as I have never done a full specific detox routine as set by a professional. The purpose of this part of the trip was to experience a pure cleanse offered in a country known for their spa and detox routines. With the help of my Thai friend, Jirayu, I found Absolute Sanctuary in Koh Samui, Thailand. I am partaking in a 3 day living (raw) foods detox. Over 3 days I experience a raw food lunch and dinner, 3 detox drinks/day, 2 shots of green juice/day, a few detoxing treatments that include massage and colonics (yes, it is plural not a typo), meditation, and yoga. All of this to help cleanse the mind and body.....right up my ally!

The food has been absolutely amazing! I have already purchased the cookbook and will share some recipes later. The food has offered much needed raw and natural nourishment to my body from all the rice and noodles throughout my travels. But this has thrown my body for a loop.

The first day of the detox was just fine and all roses. I thought, this is great! Then day 2 set in and I was tired, moody, agitated, and suffered from severe headaches at night. All signs that your body is detoxing. At this point, I am glad this is just 3 days. When I went into the town of Koh Samui, I felt like a zombie walking on the streets with no personality or zest for life. Not to mention trying to go through this with your partner who is addicted to food. I am still amazed we haven't torn each others head off. We are making it through!

The yoga has been absolutely amazing! I have been so spoiled by the caliber of teachers in New Zealand that it has been tough to find something similar on my travels. What I have really missed is the heart and soul of the practice that brings it all together, leaving it more than just physical movement but a union of the mind, body, and soul. Absolute Sanctuary has come very close and my day 3 instructor, Kez, really helped get me out of this detox funk.

Even on day 1 my body was feeling very sluggish from just eating a few greens and the detox drinks. The yoga practices have been gentle and restorative to help accommodate the detox but on day 3 after my class I found the energy to do another. The practice was so engaging and what I have been missing that my body and mind switched from a lack of zeal to more energy and clarity than I have had in days. I felt my mind, body, and breath join together as it did in the beginning of my travels. This center has offered me the much needed peaceful space on this, at times, crazy journey. By coming to my Mothership of detox and yoga I received exactly what I needed to reconnect to me....to the heart and soul of it all.....

Food For Thought, Literally!

I eat to live. Since I enjoy living a healthy life, I eat healthy to live healthy. For me being health conscious is just living mindfully which helps me be more clear and balanced, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Thus, I am a conscious eater which some might coin as "picky." I am okay with that as it is part of who I am. But as you are traveling some things become out of your control, such as food, and I have had to make peace with that.

In my "nutrition peace voyage" I found myself in uncharted waters at times. I am learning that Southeast Asia specializes in food and capitalizes on their bountiful fruits and vegetables. I have been in mango and papaya heaven. But I could not just live on fruit as Charlotte lived on chocolate pudding in Mexico in the movie Sex And The City. I have had to balance trying new foods while also making sure it is clean and edible. Thus, I ventured out of my comfort zone in Cambodia and tried tarantula and cricket. Surprisingly, the tarantula was my favorite as it tasted, no not like chicken, but like stir fry. As I ate it, it just went to show it was more of a mental obstacle rather than taste as I truly enjoyed it but my stomach did turn at the thought of eating this hairy spider. Also in Cambodia I did have to try a mystery meat a time or two for breakfast but quickly got off that train and found some muesli at the supermarket. As much as it is fun to adopt the food of another culture there is still something about having just one comfort that gives you a moment of reprieve from always sitting down to a true "mystery meal."

I do admire Southeast Asia for their fine fresh markets. Again, some parts make my stomach turn as they were so fresh with dead meat, so fresh that on an early Tuesday morning I saw a duck recently chopped in half with his wings still flapping. That image was the price I had to pay for some beautiful papayas sold at the vendor next door. Yet,I am still inspired by the freshness of the food and how much care is taken into preparing a meal.

In Chiang Mai we signed up for a cooking class for Garnett's birthday. This was heaven for him as he lives to eat, very opposite from me. Nonetheless, we found a common ground this day preparing authentic and fresh Thai dishes with me sticking to the more healthy options and Garnett on the fried side with the fried spring rolls and fried bananas. I truly enjoyed the cooking class more than I had expected. We started the day by going to the market to purchase our fresh food and then the day whizzed by as I learned how to make a coconut soup, papaya salad, green curry paste, and mango sticky rice. I have all the recipes to try at home although it won't be same without my wonderful Thai chef standing behind me telling me when it was time to add the oyster sauce, oil, salt, etc. I asked her to come home with me but I think she likes her day job. Ha ha. Although maybe it is best she stays in Thailand as she kept telling me if I ate more spicy food I would be sexier. This left my dishes and self-esteem very unsexy as I couldn't add as much sex as she suggested. My poor taste buds had to draw the line somewhere so I could enjoy the food. Thus, I succumbed to the unsexy.

One thing I had not counted on throughout the day was the friendships that were built as a group of strangers learned how to make Thai food. We all came from different countries, at times spoke different languages, but as the day progressed we let the common thread of learning about Thai food form the basis of wonderful conversations. I shared stories of Cambodia to 2 fellows who also just left there and fell in love with the authenticity as I did. I used my Spanish with a wonderful woman from Madrid. This was a toughie as trying to use my brain to speak a second language while I am trying to chop chillies is a cooking hazard like leaving the stove on. Finally, meeting a woman that is from where I am headed, Greenville SC, and a man heading to where I am coming from, NZ.
It is really a small world when in Chiang Mai, Thailand you meet someone at your table from South Carolina, yet it somehow makes sense. As the man headed to NZ talked about his journey from teaching in the UK to seeing what else he might be good at doing and letting NZ open that door, I am brought to reflect on how we are all on a journey of some sort in search of something more. On this day that something more happened to bring us all together to embrace Thai cooking. In this curiosity, we all appreciated one another, our journeys, and the "sexiness" of Thai food, or lack there of in the case of my dishes. In the end, it is inspiring to know that with an inquisitive mind in this journey of life you never know what you might end up eating, like tarantula, or who you might meet along the way. Either way, all precious gifts to a traveler.

Surrendering To The Pause

What you can experience in just a night in Bangkok! Before you read any further I had a very "PG" experience with the exception that we accidentally booked our hotel in what turned out to be one of the red light districts. That is as Hangover 2 as it gets folks.

I was blessed to meet up with a dear friend, Trin, in Bangkok who could show us a more local and cultural side to his hometown, the sin city of Asia. I was surprised with all the entertainment and food Bangkok had to offer. After sticking to a very strict rice regimen and an overall "consumer beware" mentality in Cambodia, I could put my guard down a little in Bangkok with some fresh sushi and fine deserts that included french toast on steroids, an adaptation from a Japanese desert. I was also pleasantly surprised to learn that the owner of the fine desert establishment, After You, was a young Thai female. My friend then enlightened me on how woman are treated fairly in Thailand and are highly regarded as business women. This I like to hear!

I also learned about the fine art of late night spa treatments as our friend took us to get a reflexology foot massage at 11 at night and for only around $15. Needless to say Bangkok got my vote as one of the liveliest cities. After all this decadence I took a much needed trip to the gym in the next morning and in true Bangkok flare this was the biggest and grandest gym I have ever seen but still just what the doctor ordered.

After only a night in Bangkok it was time to make our way to Chiang Mai to settle for a while and speaking of what the doctor ordered, this was what my body needed....to be in one place for a while. Ironically, 2 years later, to the week, I found myself with the same hotel manager that so kindly helped me in Bali when I got e-coli. This time I got sick with a cold/flu combination. I am not surprised as Garnett got sick in Cambodia along with all the kids we were working with. Now it was my turn and my body was saying "I have had enough Kathy, time for a rest." My body had been telling me this since Siem Reap but I put up a good fight until I no longer could. I have noticed that when you get sick in countries where the food and water are questionable, as well as illnesses being transferred by Mosquitos, which I had my fair share of bites, you monitor things closely.

In the end I had to stop for a day or so and fully rest and took more medicine than I had in ages. I was forced to listen to my body, something I had not been doing very well. For a trip that was supposed to be about listening, I missed that one as I pushed to experience all I could. So I let go of the guilt and the anger I felt towards my body for not being at 100% and I rested.

It is funny how I battled more with my mind than my body the day I rested. I almost couldn't relax to let my body heal because my mind was racing thinking what I could be missing out on in Chang Mai or thinking I should be doing this or that. I laugh because when my body isn't at 100% I fight these thoughts, abroad or in my own home. It just goes to show that truly wherever you go, there you are. It is all a matter of perspective, your attitude, and not letting these thoughts get the best of you.

As I am learning to be a better traveler, and person, I surrender to the change in plans, listen to my body, and trust fully in the bigger picture. Illness or not, I am exactly where I need to be and experiencing exactly what I need to. I surrender to the pause and the process of healing.

Siem Reap And The Flow Of Life

The visit to Siem Reap started as an auspicious day. Currently, this is a special time in Cambodia as the Pagodas (Buddhists Temples) are celebrating Pchum Ben (Ancestors Day). This is a period during the year where for many days the people of Cambodia pay their respects to their deceased relatives for the past 7 generations. There are many ways this time is honored but most notably it is when the Pagodas are very active with the people bringing the monks food as a sign of good merit that benefits the dead. The Pagodas are not only buzzing with the offerings but active day and night with chanting, bells, drums, and the lingering smell of incense. This scene was our backdrop as we visited one of the most magnificent structures on Earth, Angkor Wat.

I was in awe of the temple that was at first dedicated to the Hindu gods but then switched to Buddhism, unfortunately this meant at the hands of defacing some of the statues. Angkor Wat must rival with the pyramids with the precision and detail, especially since it was constructed during the 12th century. The relief carvings of the gods and goddesses were so ornate and to my surprise in good condition.

It was a day full of temples as we ventured to the Temple of Bayon. I like to call it the temple of the happy gods as it is full of carvings of gods smiling. Then in the midst of a Cambodian afternoon thunderstorm, I found myself in a temple that was supposedly closed although there was a poor job of saying so, but somehow this changed while I was inside as I got trapped and unable to get out. Luckily I found my way out and without being yelled at by a Cambodian security guard. Some folks were not so lucky and got an ear full. One thing you don't want in this country is a someone threatening to call the Cambodian police. Lastly the day ended with visiting Ta Phrom, the temple with huge trees growing over and around the walls, another display of true magnificence.

As I said, my last day on Cambodia was an auspicious one full of the magnificent beauty of a physical structure that reflects the beauty and strength of the Cambodian people. While in Siem Reap, I already found myself at an interesting dichotomy. I missed Phnom Penh with the confusion, chaos, and challenge of living yet for some reason my body felt lighter with the open space and touch of westernization of Siem Reap. I was finding that whichever way you look at it, Cambodian made a lasting impression on my heart and I found a true appreciation for this country and one that will be tough to top throughout this trip.

As I was leaving NZ, a friend said to me that maybe transitions are supposed to feel uneventful and as though you are progressing to the next thing without any pomp or fuss. She said, "it is the flow of life." That is how I yet again board the plane for Thailand. My heart is full of love and joy from being of true service and from witnessing authentic beauty.....and with this I join the flow of life and continue my journey.

Raw, Real, And The Universal Language

What makes a place sacred? Spiritual? A few posts ago I mentioned that Cambodia is not considered one of the more spiritual places in the world. On the surface with the corruption, lack of structure, haggling, etc, yes, it doesn't scream of that which is spiritual and sacred. But I was forced to take a closer look and have found out I was wrong.

As my work with the daycare center was coming to close and as I began my transition out of Phnom Penh, knowing in a few days I will be leaving this country, I have noticed a certain spirit has invaded my heart, the Spirit of Cambodia. It seems to be a strong feeling that has come over me and left me wondering why, as on the surface there is nothing endearing at the first glance of my surroundings.

As I ride on the bus from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap, I am met with the depths of the poverty in the countryside. Gazing out of my window, I find the words to describe this specific love and appreciation I have for this country. One that many people have told me about but didn't fully comprehend until today.

Cambodia is absolutely raw and real. It is a country to be endured and one where you have to let go of all illusions about yourself and others. There has only been one consistency in my day, that it is me who is creating the reality of each encounter, each situation, each circumstance. Cambodians truly do not know much English and this leaves each conversation almost as a guessing game of "what just happened?" Thus, you leave each encounter hoping that your message was conveyed properly. Or in the instance of making sure you are not getting taken advantage of because you are a Westerner. You really have to play a mental game each day to figure out your truth and reality....you must fully let go as there are always questions arising and left unanswered in a country like Cambodia. You have to rest in who and what you are.

Yet in this lack of communication comes the real stuff, what The Alchemist calls the Universal Language. Oh how I love this form of communication. Gazing out of my window I partake in this exchange as I have since I arrived, with the smiles and waves from the Cambodian people. Some on their motos, a child waves hello on the street, and an older woman nods from her shanti home in the midst of flooding. In this raw environment of poverty there is a sense of realness in each exchange. There is no communicating of what comes before this encounter or what happens after, it is just 2 people sharing a smile or nod if only for that moment in time.

The beauty of not knowing their language is also being in a position to observe the Universal Language that is shared between the Cambodians. This lets me see the beauty that is present on the faces of these beautiful people. How in their living conditions, they appear to have a fullness, simplicity, and clarity that I strive for as I live my daily life. It comes to them effortlessly, yet through their hardships, they connect to what really matters; love and kindness towards their family and fellow villagers.

After tapping into this Universal Language, I feel the spirituality and sacredness of the land and people of Cambodia. I feel so blessed to not only know the specialness of silence but the significance that comes from that which is raw and real. And with this I continue to grow....

Last Day At Joy Daycare Center

I started to miss the kids already a couple of days prior to my final day. I knew this was just a 2 week placement but still found myself growing attached to these beautiful souls. In such a short time we have grown to understand one another. Although we barely speak a common language, there is an underlying Universal Language.

I wasn't sure about working with the 2-3 year olds at first. I was questioning if they really needed my help or what I could really do with children who are just learning their language much less English. At the end of my placement, I have no doubt I was exactly where I needed to be.

I had to dig deep to communicate with the children. I had to use a lot of unspoken language cues but mostly I had to lead with my heart, trying to intuitively communicate. I was placed in a situation that will leave a lasting imprint on me. Throughout my time, I noticed things like improvements in their creativity through coloring and motor skills through building blocks. They gained more knowledge on cleanliness and how to lather and use soap. And on the final day mastering the idea of a nappie.

But there was something deeper in all of this. I observed silently as these children took care of one another. I sat in awe as they tried to communicate with me and include me into their family. And by the end of my time we had created our own way of communicating thus learning that verbal communication, although helpful, sometimes isn't the best or only way to get your point across, especially if you want to make a lasting impression.

I came to Cambodia to fulfill a dream of volunteering abroad. I came hoping to be hands on in making a difference for a country in need. Serendipitously, I was put in a situation that gave me just that. I can only hope that I did my best to make these kids life a little bit better. But what was a plan to serve has ironically turned into something that has given to me more than I could have expected. I will cherish my time at Joy Daycare Center and these kids will always hold a special place in my heart for they have helped me to learn how to give fully of myself, with or without words.

Giving Of Gifts Or Service?

Cambodians are a very interesting bunch and to fully experience this a trip to a market or two is needed. It is one thing to do this on your own but another as you go with a Cambodian for a specific reason; to help those truly less fortune in a country where everyone is in some way part of the less fortunate.

Garnett and I, with the help of some donations from wonderful friends, wanted to purchase clothes for the the children at the daycare center. They come to the center each day with mostly the same clothes on that hardly fit and are filthy, even after washed. We had to endeavor very carefully as not to get taken advantage of by the daycare or the market. To my surprise the center was ethical and understood that we had a budget and our mission was to cloth the children as we were giving the center supplies such as soap and nappies, understanding fully that they too have a budget and are given money to fund their program. We wanted to make sure that they did not pocket the items so they could take more money home for themselves.

One of the fellow teachers took us to the Olympic Market, the locals market that is set at a cheaper cost. This was a painstaking ordeal for 3 hours in a hot, sweaty, cramped market. I was amazed at the experience because I truly saw Cambodia at its finest and the means of negotiation that have been passed down generation to generation. When I say this, I mean I was surprised at how much the Cambodians were trying to screw each other on the price, quantity, and quality of items. It was rather ruthless and unfortunate because this is for a good cause. But as I was advised, this is what has been passed down from generations and the way business goes. Needless to say, you are always on guard as a consumer.

Throughout this process, I had to keep my patience and remember what this was for. It was to give these kids a much needed new piece of clothing. I just wish it wasn't laced with such a haggling process. But as I said before, luckily we had a Cambodian with us to negotiate and to translate. It could have been worse.

In the end we were able to get the kids a new outfit and purchased much needed shorts for their uniforms. As we dressed them in the afternoon they were very grateful and I can't tell you the difference it made from what they came in them. But I noticed that my heart was not as full. I didn't have this sense that I did something good. My head knew it was a good thing but my heart was missing something.

That night I went home and cried. I realized my ego took over. I was heartbroken because I had to bartered for their clothes and they still weren't the best clothes....it was what we could get yet I know much better than what they have or have access to. But I was stuck in thinking that I wanted them to look like my nieces and nephews. I was really caught up in the girls for some reason as I wanted their outside to match the princesses they are on the inside. I wanted them to know what it felt like to have a beautiful outfit and how clean and new it felt. I wanted them to have a closet full of clothes like that. It still breaks my heart. This is when after a good cry and a nights sleep help gain some perspective.

This is part of my battle as a volunteer. I have to remember what is for me and what is for them. I may want them to look like my nieces and nephews. I may want the world for them as I do my nieces and nephews. But then it becomes about me not them. I can't change the world in one day and I can't take these children out of their situation. Actually these kids are perfectly happy. They do not know any different. But I and my ego do.
This leaves me reflecting on the difference in giving of gifts and giving of service. Giving the clothes to the children was very heartbreaking for me and a reality check of how impoverished they live. On the other hand, each morning, I have woken up excited about my day of service and am full of energy afterwards. I treasure my time of service with these children and hope that imprint lasts longer for them than any thread of clothing. I know it will for me.

Name That Itch!

After spending the last 3 years of my life cold, I am definitely getting what I asked for on this trip, HEAT. A way of staying cool in the Cambodian heat is the use of the oscillating fan. Yes, it keeps you somewhat cool but often times I find it drying out my contacts or contributing to a game I like to call "what is that itch?" With my hair slightly moving in the wind, I am unsure if any movement on my body isn't something else. In our host house, I have found limitless ants and mosquitos. Sleeping at night means waking up a few times itching and then checking out all the new bites in the morning. This also doesn't make me feel any better about my lice scare since all the kids that I work with have lice and how can you say no to hugging them. Thus, it's a battle of do I itch because if lice, ants, mosquitos, or is it just my imagination?

This is only the tip of the iceberg that has left me feeling rather vulnerable in Cambodia. My definition of cleanliness has been altered slightly, lice checks are practically a daily occurrence, and being a sweaty mess is part of the daily uniform. I say this with humor, I am one nasty bitch at this point.

I am constantly using antibacterial gel and hand wipes and never leave the house without my own toilet paper. I have seen some of the worst bathroom practices and dare not say more than that. I have also concluded that I should no longer have my hands anywhere near my face.

I really just have to sit back and laugh at this point. I have learned to embrace my "nasty bitch status." No matter how gross I may feel or what my eyes might see throughout the day in regards to cleanliness, there is still no other place I would rather be. Martin Buber says "all journeys have a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware," so I am taking the bright side of things knowing that my current cleanliness status is only but a wonderful part of this secret destination; enjoying the goodness that comes from vulnerability.

Itchy, itchy....I got to find out what this new itch is......till next time.

Full or Am I?

Last night our host family cooked us a Korean style barbecue. It was similar to fondue in that you have all these items from vegetables to fish and meat all cooked on a grill in front of you then dipped in an amazing soy based sauce. To top the night off we finished with fresh mango......my absolute favorite fruit. It was the best meal yet! As I woke up this morning I was still feeling full as I went to my placement.

I started off after the weekend fresh and full, although the children were happy as usual, something was different. I noticed that the kids were adamant about having some water before the shower. I gave out a little water but mindful they weren't playing around so they didn't have to shower, as most kids would do. I quickly realized this was not the case. As we started the shower process, I noticed that the kids were opening their mouths to have water to drink from the faucet. They were so thirsty. It then dawns on me, the last shower they got was the one I gave them on Friday afternoon. And the last good water they had was probably on Friday afternoon as well. Today was full of these reminders that the life these children live on the weekends is dramatically different from how they spend their time during the week at day care. Today they ate more, they drank more, they slept more....all signs of things they didn't get while at home this weekend.

I asked what the rest of the family does during the day while the children are at day care? I didn't know what answer I was expecting but wasn't hoping for this one; the family rummages through the landfill looking for items to sell. Maybe this is what the children do on the weekends as well. What sometimes little I have thought the day care provides has turned into what could be saving these children. Each day my eyes are opened more and more to the subtle differences in life that we take for granted: a house with 4 walls, clean water or even water at all, a place to lay my head, different clothes to wear, etc. These children showed up today malnourished and with a lack of sleep in their usual clothes but with a HUGE smile. Here I am feeling more than full after our feast the night before and what were these kids eating while I had more than enough? How could I be so full while they are so empty?

The truth is they may be more full than me. They are full of what matters, the little things. I asked myself if I was really fresh and full from my weekend or better yet was I grateful for those things that let me feel that way. To be honest, most days I probably do forget how blessed I am which leads me to ignorantly question the thirst of the children this morning. Tonight as I go to bed I wonder how they are sleeping and on what kind of surface and with how many people. This calls me to want to appreciate, love and be more as a human being and for them tomorrow. Counting my blessings....

Beauty Within The Chaos

As I reflect on my first week in Cambodia and even my time since I left New Zealand, a common thread of thought has been woven through each day, where is my peaceful oasis? I have grown an even deeper appreciation for the land of New Zealand; the luscious bush country, the clean air, and the copious amounts of space. I miss my oasis. I miss my haven.

On the other hand, I accept the challenge that lies ahead and the one that I currently battle, finding peace in the chaos. I find it interesting that most of the sacred or spiritual places on Earth are surrounded by pure chaos. Take for example the travelers that often speak of the chaos what surrounds places like Nepal and India, two places that are considered to be a destination for those on a spiritual or soul searching journey. Yet these places are full of people everywhere and have a certain disorder. What is so peaceful about that? How can you listen to the soul amongst all the noise and confusion?

Each day on my Tuk-Tuk ride to and from my placement I see chaos at its finest. I am bombarded with traffic, people, noise, smells, trash, dust, smog, and the list goes on. I have even found myself having a sore throat from inhaling all these toxins. Even at 6:00 a.m. there is no reprieve from the confusion while on my runs, full of stress, I try to dodge the disorder.

There are a some lovely volunteers who are staying with our host family in addition to us. They have recently spent a month in Kathmandu, Nepal, and over the past week as we have shared experiences, they have mentioned how much cleaner and organized Phenom Penh is compared to Kathmandu. Interestingly, yet, when it is time to engage in a spiritual practice the persona changes, the people immediately find peace within the chaos of Kathmandu.

In the book The Prophet, there is a line that says "a seeker of silence am I." Where is the silence in Phenom Penh? Where is the beauty within the chaos? I have been quite the seeker this week but to no avail I am empty handed. Or am I? If you step away from the thinking that peace and beauty should be in a specific package with a bow on top like a birthday present, you miss out on the art of knowing that peace and beauty lie within. You always take this gift with you. Whether you are in New Zealand, a Third World country, a busy grocery store, or a beautiful garden, there is a certain level of chaos we think we deal with each day. We can choose to be part of the toxic cycle or we can be part of the beauty. That is what I have learned from the Cambodians this week, to find the beauty in the chaos. Amongst a repressive government and poverty a Cambodian is always enjoying life with a smile. A true pioneer in finding beauty amongst the chaos.

And My Heart Broke Wide Open

My heart completely opened today. I jumped back in with the 2 year olds to give them some consistency and also to step up to what I was feeling like a challenge. Today improved from yesterday as I implemented what I like to call "creative expansion time." At least that is what I called in my head to get them doing something constructive rather than just playing with toys in such an unstructured schedule. This was time for us to color on paper and to start learning some motor skills on how to hold the crayon and draw circles and get acquainted with colors. They seemed to really enjoy it and were very expressive to me on what they were drawing. Other than creating this piece of structure, I decided to be open to just loving the kids and being there for them. Without saying a word we all new we were there for each other today and they opened up to many hugs and cuddles.....my heart broke open.

As my day with them came to a close, I knew by helping take them home I was about to open up to something I wasn't sure I was prepared to see. And I wasn't. Throughout the last 2 days, I was having many complaints about the day care system and about he bathroom manners these kids were displaying, all of these thoughts got pushed aside by actually visiting where they lived.

As I was sitting with 35 kids in a van with 4 volunteers and a staff member.....let me back up, yes I said VAN.....with kids sitting on laps and on the floor in Phenom Penh traffic in 100 degree heat with no AC, I knew that as we drove to the dump that my sweat and uncomfortableness was nothing to complain about compared to how some other people have to live (or survive) in this world. As my eyes filled with tears as we pulled up to the village, I had nothing in this world to complain about.

You could not call these homes, more like shanti huts with 3-4 walls on a wooden slab that is their floor. Some have just 3 walls and one wall is the open air. There is no running water or anything that resembles a bathroom facility, thus it is understandable that they are unfamiliar with the bathroom process and how to use such facilities. More so, it is amazing to see all the children that are there and how they all live in one room with their families. I was overwhelmed.

As we dropped them off I couldn't help but notice the dump in the background. The dump that is their backyard, most likely their playground and even a source of food and resources to live. What impacted me the most were their smiles and cheerfulness as we dropped them off. They waved goodbye with a smile and happily reunited with their family and community. I on the other faked a smile as I waved goodbye, driving off in my comfortable van headed back to a life with all the niceties. My heart broke wide open but full of sadness. I was silent on the way home......




A new section I would like to call, The Lighter Side Of Things:

1. Garnett is teaching English to 4-6 year olds. A task that Garnett was not expecting but is stepping up to the plate nicely. One of his kids arrived today with a t-shirt that says...."Mc Shit." It was hilarious because, of course, the kid has no idea what it means and probably neither does anyone else but it has the McDonalds logo just replaced by the word "shit". We died laughing.

2. Tomorrow I have thought about introducing some music, to get the kids moving. I am thinking a little "Gangnum Style." Wish me luck. Hopefully they will love the song as much as I do!

How Can I Reach These Kids?

Today began the volunteer work in Cambodia. It was an eye opening day and one that had me feeling many emotions. Here's some background before I go any further....

Volunteer Placement: Joy Day Care, Phenom Penh, Cambodia

Children: Ages 2-7

Description: 30-40 Children from 2 dumps (landfills) just outside the city of Phenom Penh who are bused in each morning to Joy Day Care from 9-3:30.

Today I was thrown right in the mix from the get go. As the kids arrive, they immediately start taking off their clothes and before you know it there are kids running around naked. This is so that they can get cleaned and their clothes can get washed while they are there during the day. My job was to start washing the 2 year olds. We won't go into the cleanliness of the bathroom in which I was doing this. This is where I had to let go of my Western expectations of what a sanitary school environment should be and had to come to terms with this is a much better situation then where these children were earlier this morning.

I was warned that when you step into this type of volunteer situation, you find yourself wondering what is my role here. I have learned that many Cambodians look at Westerners like we have all the answers and as if we are in charge. Thus, with no set structure and only a time frame you really have to be quick on your feet and create your role for the day very quickly; realizing that after you get the kids bathed and dressed this does not leave much time to educate. I am still in awe of the schedule:

9-10: Kids arrive and are bathed
10-10:30: Class/playtime
10:30-11:00: Lunch
11:15-2:00: Nap time
2-3:30: Bath. Clothes put back on. Class/playtime
3:30: Bus ride home

Today, I really struggled with the day care system and the lack of structure and education. Was I setting my own expectations too high? Why was I even judging so much in the first place? As I was playing with the children who barely knew how to talk, much less understand me in english, I looked around and noticed all the good in the room. The children were so loving and kind to one another. They took care of one another, helped each other, shared snacks, and barely caused a fuss. Of course there were a couple of tears but for the most part it was truly the simple things for these children and they were a family. By the end of the day after going through the thoughts of judging the system and myself, I fully understood that it could really be worse for these children. Rather than being at the dump and begging for money, they were getting bathed, food, clothes washed, and some education. Tomorrow I see just how these children live as I will help take them home from the center. Until then, I will contemplate the infamous word from the movie Stand And Deliver, "how can I reach these kids....."